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From Uncyclopedia:

Balloon

Balloons are mobile, economic traps for Evil Spirits. They are usually made from rubber, but sometimes from more exotic substances such as cloth, animal bladders and mango. In modern society, people carelessly and foolishly inflate balloons and blow them up for fun, thus releasing a horde of horrible, destructive forces upon themselves and others.

 

Colour

Balloons are normally made in the image of God and are colourful in order to draw these evil spirits, who sometimes incarnate themselves in the hideous form known as "a clown". Once the spirit approaches a balloon, it is swallowed whole and the balloon takes its spherical form. Inside the balloon, the evil spirit weakens gradually and dies within a few days, unless the balloon explodes. Aware to this fact, the captured evil spirits use Telepathy to control the minds of any persons near the balloon and cause them an unstoppable desire to blow the balloon up with sharp objects, there fore releasing the evil spirits. Once you release these evil spirits they will haunt you until you get another balloon. If you ever accidentally blow up a balloon go get another one from the nearest dollar store and re-capture the evil spirit. You know the spirit is dead when the balloon looks deflated and crippled.

 

The inventor of the Balloon, one Ricardo Branson (1820-?), came by his invention incidentally while trying to beat NASA to the moon. He noticed that the "artificial bladder", devised to contain the gasis emitted from the astronauts after their descent on bean stew, got inflated all by itself when left alone. Branson quickly realized that the only feasible explanation for this was evil spirits, and therefore neglected his space program and started manufacturing balloons by the millions. Branson's findings, by the way, are easy to replicate: Just put a balloon somewhere where evil spirits roam, and soon you'll find it inflated. One can also blow directly into the balloon, filling it with the benign evil spirits which normally inhabit our lungs. Though these facts are true, it is believed the real inventor of the balloon was Unga Hungaho** (800 B.C.-present)Whose stumbled on to his invention when he was trying to make an apple with a T.V. and a box of Cherrios. The popping of this balloon released the evil spirit who is responsible for the Big Bang.

 

Mass marketing

Soon after the beginning of balloon mass-manufacturing came the important art of balloon tying. By twisting the trapped evil spirit along certain energy points (Chakras) of its astral body, the spirit's telepathic powers diminish and people are less prone to blow the tied balloon up.

 

The effectiveness of this device proved fatal to the evil spirit community, and in a special conference they have decided to fight back with a clever scheme. After an extensive research of the human psyche, evil spirits learned that we humans can't resist the primordial urge to make funny noises. Therefore they hid themselves in special balloons called "Helium" (Hell-ium!) and waited for people to inhale them. Then, for a short while, the evil spirits would distort the voices of the inhalers in a funny way. This plan worked better than expected, and all over the world people just can't wait to get their hands on some balloons and release more and more evil spirits into the world.

 

Balloon Demons, as they are formally known, can also be captured while blowing soap bubbles at them. This method works only in emergencies because Balloon Demons can force soap bubbles to pop themselves randomly. After the Demon has freed himself from a soap bubble, it is usually very tired from the procedure. If many soap bubbles are present, you can continue to recapture it until it dies of exhaustion! Otherwise, quickly get a balloon talisman and capture the demon permanently.

 

Fetishes

Most balloons have a fetish of being blown into. However, be careful because if they are blown into too much or receive enough friction, they will ejaculate all over you. Luckily for you, they only ejaculate carbon dioxide. It's still pretty gross though.

 

Archery

Archery is the art, practice, or skill of propelling arrows with the use of a bow.[1] Archery has historically been used for hunting and combat. In modern times, however, its main use is that of a recreational activity, despite the apparent danger and the strict prohibitions against recreational archery set forth in the Bible. One who is relatively skilled in archery is typically known as an "archer" or "bowman," while an expert is sometimes called a "toxophilite." A beginning archer is known as "dangerous."

 

History

The bow is first mentioned in Genesis chapter 21, during the exile of Ishmael from the kingdom of Israel. The Bible states that Hagar went a bowshot away from Ishmael so he wouldn't hear her crying. This is a testament to the skill and strength of archers during Abraham's time. Even the greatest archers of today can hear the sobbing where their shot lands whenever they fail their William Tell act. Perhaps one day, when man finds his way back to God, we will be able to relive these miracles.

 

While the oldest bows still intact were long thought to have come from the Holmegaard swamp in Denmark, a recent discovery suggests otherwise. A virtually undamaged older bow was found during an escape attempt at Folsom State Prison in California by convicted rapist Rod N. Pance III. The prisoner attempted to use the bow to fire two prehistoric and partially-burned arrows he found. But his attempt at firing the arrows from the bow failed because he did not realize he needed a bow string.

 

Legend

According to Greek legend, the bow and arrow were first invented by Eros, also known as Amor or the Roman Cupid. The boy was either the son of the Goddess of Love Venus and the God of War Mars, or was one of the primordial forces. Biblical historians note that it is in this era of moral decay that archery lost its sanctity. People began shooting without first seeking God's blessing and, in extreme cases, following Cupid's example and using their mates as pincushions. Ancient Rome's decline and eventual fall is in no small part due to the tolerance of these immoral acts. Or maybe they all got shot and died.

 

The Hindu Kāma has a very similar description. In artwork he is usually shown amusing himself with typical childhood play, such as throwing darts, catching a butterfly, or flirting with nymphs. He is often depicted with his mother, who is frequently shown with a horn in her mouth, or giving her son a spanking.

 

Modern Usage

Because it is mentioned in the Bible, archery is a sacred institution and must be practiced with utmost piety and reverence for the Lord our God. Thus He may draw evil from our hearts like a hunter draws a bow, granting us the power to smite faithlessness in unbelievers and vital organs in woodland creatures. While decent, law-abiding citizens practice archery in the way God intended, there exists a growing trend of liberalism in which these libertines will indiscriminately shoot anything that moves. The Bible tells us that these sinners will pay the ultimate price for their earthly fun when they reach the afterlife. Those few moments of toxophilical bliss will lead to eternal damnation and misery when the great socialist of Hell revokes their right to bear arms.

 

Despite the clear warnings the Bible gives us, there are some, their hearts surely guided by Comrade Lucifer himself, who seek to bring archery into secular life and even into the minds of our children in school. Under the guise of calling it a sport, they teach children the principles of archery, methods of safe archery and injury prevention. They may even bring equipment for our children to try. Many[citation needed] communities have taken to fighting back by writing letters to their school board demanding abstinence-only archery education, or by removing their children from the public school system completely and homeschooling them, or preferably both.

 

Archery between two arrows

It is God's will that archery be between a bow and an arrow.[5] Not only is it plain common sense, but the Bible addresses the point specifically several times. Additionally, some experts argue that it's just plain gross. In fact, Dr. George Bush (no, not that George Bush, another one) once stated in an interview that "arrow-on-arrow archery doesn't even make sense. I mean, come on, guys, arrows just don't fit together like that. Unless you were to--hey, you in the back, put those down. Don't do that with those arrows. Stop it! That's sick! Don't you--Eeeeew! That's just not right! Aw, man."

 

As such archery is an abomination before God, it is the duty of every Christian to convert any such wayward archer that they see. Popular methods include praying for them to accept Jesus in their hearts and cast aside their confused ways. When that doesn't work, true believers will take to the streets with picket signs and shout at the top of their lungs God hates you and you're going to Hell.

 

Interestingly, the Bible doesn't say anything about bow-on-bow archery.

 

 

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